If you’ve never scream-sang this song on a deserted highway at night, you should really try it.
I went grocery shopping for the first time in over two months, and it felt so good to do something normal. … Let me explain why.
On February 1, I moved out of the apartment that Dexter and I had lived in as a married couple. As far as I know, he’s still there, but that’s not really relevant to this story.
Hi. I’m Amber. I’m 28 years old and I’m divorced.
But I’m not here today to talk about the sad parts. There will be time for that, and I’m not feeling it right now. Right now, I’m feeling pretty good. And I want to talk about this song, “In a Big Country,” because it’s been hanging around a lot lately and I think that’s interesting.
This song tends to show up in late winter when I’m facing big life changes. The first time I noticed it was in 2011, when I was preparing to go on a study abroad to London with the SUU English department. It was the single most Big and Important thing I’d ever done in my life and probably in the top three of my “most formative experiences.” I was walking home from the bank after depositing some cash to help fund the trip. It was late afternoon in February or so, and the sun was setting brilliant and orange. And this song came on my Pandora.
I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert
But I can live and breathe
And see the sun in wintertime
I also remember listening to this song when I made a spur-of-the-moment move to Springville to get away from obnoxious roommates and instead live with my grandma. I had just been dumped—via text message, no less—and was in desperate need of a fresh start. It was the weekend of January-to-February 2014.
Another promise fallen through
Another season passes by you
I never took the smile away from anybody’s face
And that’s a desperate way to look
For someone who is still a child
And now. February–April 2019. Going through a divorce that I never really expected. Pandora has a way of throwing songs at me when I need them most, and this song has come up a lot in the last two months. I had neglected Pandora for structured playlists, but I’mma let you in on a little secret: I hate building playlists and I’m really bad at it anyway.
So rather than deal with the spectre of building a playlist while it felt like my world was crashing down around me, I returned to the familiar, carefully curated stations on my Pandora account.
So take that look out of here it doesn’t fit you
Because it’s happened doesn’t mean you’ve been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can’t stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I have been given a chance I never thought I would get—a chance I didn’t even know I needed. A chance to start over. I can let go of the things that don’t fit, mourn the parts of me I have lost, and move the hell on. I am discovering who I was, who I am, and who I’m going to become.
I feel like I’m coming out from underwater. And it feels like
But it also feels a little like
Which brings us back to last night. I’ve been eating meals with my family, and it was really nice to not have to worry about cooking for a while. But then I realized…I miss it. I want the responsibility and routine of shopping, making my food, doing the dishes. So I went grocery shopping. I filled my cart with fruit and veggies like an adult and didn’t buy Dr Pepper even though it was on my list.
And when I got in the truck to head home, at about 10:00 pm, “In a Big Country” was the first song that came up on my Pandora. Because Pandora knows.
Amber Sorensen 